Iron Sharpens Iron

I have had something laid upon my heart for the past couple of days. In order to make my point, I feel that it is imperative to begin at the beginning, and how I have become the iron that has formed today.

Ten years ago, I was in my family's church sanctuary talking to the missions coordinator and leader. I was on my way to India in a few weeks, and I was pretty scared. I had had a few dreams, and I was in the process of telling my mom and the missions leader about them. At one point, I claimed that I felt like I was going to die there. I did. Not in the physical way, but in a different way. See, I wasn't a very good person. Even though I was totally a Bible thumper, I wasn't very kind. I was a legalistic snob and thought that things should be a certain way. If you have ever heard Evanesence's Everybody's Fool, you could get a good picture(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhC1pI76Rqo). Haha!

Anyways, for the first two weeks I was with a group. It was amazing.I really learned what it was like to be a real team and the body of Christ. At one point, the leaders said that we were the strongest group they had ever worked with. I had taken pride in that because I didn't think I had done well the first time I went to India. There was a moment with the group, though, where it all began.

We were at a Hindu celebration off of the Varanasi river. It was an incredible time to observe and pray; however, when we were walking back it was jam-packed with people. Not one person had any personal space. As I was walking, I felt something. When I looked down it was a man's hand in between my legs. This is a very personal thing that I am sharing. I realize that, but this is where a part of me died. I told another girl when we got to the car and she suggested telling our mission's leader Alan. I didn't want to make it a big deal. I still don't want to make it a big deal. There was so much that happened in India that took me forever to forgive myself over. That being said, I think the reason I was so fearful after the group left was because of this moment. This, added to the type of person I had chosen to be at the time, showed me that I really didn't have the grasp on life that I thought I had.

In other words, when I got back from India, I was shaken. Mistake after mistake lead to losing my identity. I didn't know who I was, but worse was not knowing who I wanted to be. Of course, coming back after that lead to a rebellion. . Not only was there a rebellion from me, but I dealt with a spiritual attack. Now, I know not everyone believes in spiritual warfare, and that is fine. I am sure the things that happened to me could be explained by science and it was triggered by stress. It was really Jesus who saved me from it though. It is why my heart will always be His.

About a month or so after I got back, I started having panic attacks. I have had panic attacks since then, but they haven't been like the ones I had had then. During the panic attacks, I had hallucinations. The ones I remember the most where three women. The first was while I was washing my face. An innocent girl with blonde curly hair poked her head out of the shower, and was pointing at something. The second was a woman dressed in black, and swimming in darkness. That is really the only way I can describe it. The third was a really REALLY angry Hispanic woman yelling at me in Spanish. I mean think of a woman throwing a tantrum in Spanish.

The second attack was something called "sleep paralysis". It happened to me a lot back then. Almost every time I slept. Now, I have had it on occasion since then and know what to do. Sleep paralysis is where you can't move or speak while asleep or upon waking up. It is pretty terrifying. Imagine being awake, but you can't open your eyes. You can't move your mouth. Its like you are locked inside your body.

So, how did these things stop? Well, this was all a part of God using his iron to sharpen iron. This humbling and traumatic experience really showed me that not everything is so black and white. Meeting my husband really helped. He was such a safe-haven and could even understand my experience to a certain extent(not the touching part). As I moved through the relationship though, Sammie wasn't going to allow me to become co-dependent on him like I was in past relationships. Finally, amongst the time when we were about to fall apart, I was able to find myself through the word of God again. The years to follow, and even now, I still make decisions of who I want to be and what type of Christian I want to be. That legalistic snob died inside of me though. And I praise God because I was released from the bondage and idol of legalism.

This entire story has a point. Mostly it has to do with the past two days of debates on Christianity that I have had. It was really saddening to me because at one point it was just Christians bickering at Christians. The entire time I was yelling on the inside "this isn't attractive or encouraging to non-believers!!" I mean in the big picture that is the goal, right? At the end of the conversation a non-believer even said, "if this is how believers talk to one another, then I don't want to be a part of this." Ouch, but it is so true. A Christian telling another Christian they're going to hell or that they're lukewarm is ineffective and it does damage to us as a witness.

Ephesians 4 talks about the unity of the body. "I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, ² with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, ³ eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace." This is what we need to do. Not only this, but this entire chapter. It was convicting and humbling to see these conversations and be a part of them. As Hamich says in the movie The Hunger Games, "Remember who the real enemy is." *Our own* flesh and the evil one. God gives us an armor for a reason. Christians must unite and do it in love. When we were a witness to the people in India, it was by words, but mostly by actions.

I could probably write more, but this is already so long. Bless you if you made it this point. I hope that my journey will be encouraging to those of you who did.

Mundane mothering

Hello there!

Welcome to yet another blog from, yet, another mother. I know that there are many out there. I could understand why, though. We each do this parenting thing differently and it leads to many opinions and thoughts. Thanks to modern technology we can all get our opinion out there! Yay!

I know I have attempted this whole "blog thing" before, and haven't really succeeded. However, I just need a place to place my thoughts. Feel free to comment. I am always for bouncing ideas off one another. We, moms, need to stick together.

So, here we are, yet another day into this whole parenting thing. I was pouring another sippy-cup of milk when it hit me. A frustrating epiphany. Did my child ask me for this milk? Every one else might think that that is no big deal, but lately I have felt so frustrated with my children. They are so demanding. Lainey, at  one point, got her sippy-cup, shoved it in my face, and said "more milk, please". Sure, she said the magic word-please, but a shot of anger flowed through me. I am having a hard time lately with the whole idea that my children don't actually see me as a person. They don't understand the question "Is this how you would want to be treated?". It's not for lack of trying to teach them, but am I really?

This brings me back to my point. As I stood in the kitchen, pouring the ump-teenth sippy-cup, I realize that they are demanding because of me. Can you imagine the dread of that epiphany? I was just going through the motions of parenting. And no, that's not necessarily a bad thing. The children will still live. They might be demanding, but they'll live.  However, my sanity might be compromised by the time I am into my mid-forties(if not sooner).

It all starts with just going through the motions. I think we can get so caught up with life. For example, we're about to move. Things have been busy around the house, and therefore, I am more concerned with having whatever needs my child has at the time rather than teaching them. I have caught myself in this season yelling, "I AM NOT A MAID!" It has gotten so bad that Lainey will say, "Mommy, I can't pick-up. My legs aren't working." If only you could see my faces at these comments. Granted, you could probably imagine them yourself. I have even gone through Stormie Omartian's The Power of a Praying Parent. There is NO prayer in there for God to not make your children demanding. This could only mean one thing: It's up to you. Of course, I pray for the wisdom I need, but the wisdom is how to teach them. God has laid it upon my heart to read Proverbs, and I have started that. It was this moment, though, when he stopped me-like pausing a moment in a movie- and said, "There, Mary! There it is!"

It was such a convicting moment that I had to go write it down. I know I am not the only one, and I am really not giving you a solution. Except, to remember to teach your kids and not just go through each moment like you're on some assembly line. "Done with this moment! Onto the next!" And I am not reminding you because you needed it. It's more of a reminder for me that I wanted to share.